"La famiglia"

“La famiglia” is the issue number one.

You live happily abroad. I used to say that Madrid is not too far from London to miss properly Spain. We used to come back for our holidays, constantly taking planes either to Madrid or Malaga, catching up with family and friends. At the end of the vacation, we flew away, reconnecting with our life back home.

You enjoyed the weather, the food, the family but somehow, leaving all that behind feels good as well. Great big families can be demanding, intrusive and of course, there are always misunderstandings. Feels good coming back home and discuss all those with your other friends, who absolutely take your part and understand you, and usually they’ve been as well already on those.

I must say, the only moment that you miss greatly not being home is when something happens and you are not there to help, to comfort or to say farewell to relatives gone. To keep company and to stick together. It hurts greatly because you are sad as well, but isolated with the grief and, worse, you feel really guilty about not being around, when needed.

At the beginning of your stay abroad, it is difficult too not being part of the family’s daily celebrations, like birthdays, etc, or being the last one to know what's going on over there. But year, after year, you finally accept the fact that you are an outsider and, it is just on those hard moments that, you miss being where you should.

More than a decade later, you decide to come back and, you expect being the centre of the universe. You are finally back! After all those years!!!! You expect loads of attention and catching up. But no, if enough time has passed, actually you would be precisely what you were the minute before landing: a wandering satellite. A very independent one. And again, let’s say, this doesn’t help to reconnect with your family, either.

It’s a bit crazy because you probably have been growing listening your parents say that you have to be independent and self-sufficient, and you mastered it. You are the most independent and self-sufficient person over the face of the world, but actually your folks would like you better if you need them. Much better. For anything. I kind of learned, not needing them, in fact, hurts them. This one really takes time to realise.

There are more things to learn, other surprises waiting: You actually soon will discover that your family has evolved, maybe it has many more members than when you left, and all them have found their place in the new system and you, the foreign member, are not where you dreamily thought. Actually, your place is taken. Like that.

You are not any more the only daughter, your kids are not any more the only grandchildren, the family routine is totally different, and somehow your family is struggling because your pack of five is actually too big in the three generations meals, already crowded.

If  your family hasn’t grown yet, and hence, you still have your space waiting for you, don’t relax because there is still one more challenge.

So, do you remember how, as a new couple, you struggle to find the way it works actually for both of you, in so many things? The first moments of living together are only endured because you are sooo in love that everything seems easier, but it’s not. You need to create “on the go” a new routine about how to deal with so many aspects of your daily life, that for some strange reason, were not done in a similar way in his or her house. Psychologists joke that a marriage is a battleground in which two families send their best warriors to determine which family’s culture will direct the couple’s life.

Keep that in mind, and send that couple abroad, maybe to one or two different countries, that of course, have changed and reshaped many things through the years. Now, put back those warriors to their families who, are literally horrified because, can’t recognise much on them. Neither team 1 or team 2. You actually do everything differently. 

For you, those changes are a beautiful result of your experiences, a richer life and many challenges assumed and overcome, but for your family members is just weird stuff you do, because a) you are weird, b) you are showing off how British you became and how little Spanish you are now c) you just do it to annoy others around.

You crave for empathy but, is actually a distrust what you get. And hence, you need to start building from there.

Don’t think that’s all, there is something else waiting for you there: You are back and you have become someone’s child again. This would mean that, they may told you off, and yes! sometimes they do. So, if you were expecting parents telling how proud they are of your achievements, how well you have been doing and, that they are amazed about all the challenges you faced beautifully. Wait there. For the rest of your life. They are actually prouder of the kids that stayed close to them. The closer, the better. Instead, they will come to tell you when you don’t fulfil their expectations.

I am not sure if it’s a good idea to fill you with some examples here, because, what if they read this entry???? but, I am so sure most of these are a classical when you are back, so we need to set at least three iconic examples:

1. "We used to see you more often when you were abroad” This one maybe is at the same level of the epic “this house is not a hotel” that you heard when you were in your late teens or twenties.  I guess this is a classic for the European Expat, usually checking in on holidays and expending all their free time and attention with their family.  Now everyone is disappointed because day to day life is more demanding, there is no much free time, and even, maybe your holidays are spent abroad, in the country you just left, to visit those friends and that part of your life.  No one wins here, I am telling you this.

·       2. Why you don’t work anymore? Are you looking? You need to find a job! (Hey come on, not that I’m asking you for money or anything!) Great pressure when you are in the middle of a mid-life crisis too!

·      3. Why your husband is always working?  The Londoner work-style is a different league. If you don’t show up in weekends, saying that you are actually working, no one will believe you. At least here, it would sound as a pathetic excuse to avoid commitment, miss meals and not turning up.

Of course the rest of their time, your beloved progenitors will actually be telling friends, neighbours and relatives and, almost everyone around, how happy they are that you are back!!!

Come on! They could lie to you too!!!