I was back in Madrid. So dry cold in winter and, so hot, and dry, and dusty, in summer.
I thought it would be a good idea to come back. We used to come for our holidays and, I love it here. We thought life would be easier than in London: busy city, cloudy skies and, so competitive in all levels. I thought it was about time to come back, after 15 years abroad.
So we made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave
London and go to Madrid for good. The reasons were all there, screaming to
us that it was such a good idea, that it was not wise to bet on London for a
longer term. We were excited with the idea and, I was very naïve to
think it would be the best timing ever, the best cut in my life, a fresh start
in my forties.
How many times I felt so stupid thinking about that little
sentence. A fresh start, clean cut to my new decade. I was convinced of that
and, furthermore, my idea inspired other friends, in similar situation to us.
But my clean cut was way too clean. I mean, it was like being back to basics when you are just in the epicentre of your adult life. It left me totally disorientated. Like a teenager: sad, moody, not being able to enjoy the good side of the deal, and not even knowing who I was any more. And that was a huge problem.
I was a Londoner. So cool as it sounds. I know I fit in there. Most likely because, everyone fits in London. It’s such a mix, there is room for everybody and, you feel close to your friends and all those people that, although they don’t share with you the nationality, they share something as powerful: the will of leaving things behind. The adventure trips with no return tickets, the embrace of the unknown. The awareness that a big world is laying out there and it would be so sad, so poor and so little minded not going there and check it out. For your own interest, for your own right.
For many of us, travelling with a return ticket, it’s not
enough. You need to stay to experience it properly. Holidays only makes you
feel, see, taste, listen, smell but, it usually don’t involve experiencing the
country, because that comes with interaction with locals. And real interaction
with locals being a tourist, it’s almost impossible.
And the good think, as a Londoner, is that, you have all those
cultures there, right next to your door, and the interactions flows with all
sorts of people from all sorts of different spots of planet Earth.
And with all that in my mind, after actually living in four
different countries with four different languages, I landed back to the first one
and, it made look like all those years were a dream to me. Never happen. End of adventure and, are you
sure you really were there, sweetheart?
I was craving for my daily dose of learning. Something that naturally happened while I was living in UK where, I was constantly being spoiled with awesome experiences that make your mind explode with possibilities. One of my favourites was attending a Christian protestant gay church, with a post office inside, and a coffee shop, just to enjoy my coffee while my son played with other kids in ball pool and climbing frame area. All this, inside the amazing brick high ceiling church, with its altar, showing proudly a rainbow Christmas tree during the festive season, its little corners with the candles to light up with your prayers and, nicely hanging an amazing rainbow flag at the top of its main tower.
And seriously... Why not? Why we need to be one thing or the
other? Why we need to take positions? When we are sincere with ourselves,
we know we all have all those layers, that made us unique, and different and hence,
it is so silly to pretend to be so identically cut, just to have the impression that we
belong to something.
So much easier to feel the belonging if we accept how deeply
different, complicated and even inconsistent, as human beings we are, with all
our shades of different colours. And how big is the moment when one understands
that even, if you believe to be someone, you can evolve into someone else, accepting
a bit that little voice inside that tells you a few truths and, that we like to
make silent.
And that little voice was driving me crazy. This is
something I just learnt, the little voice inside you when you turn 40, screams!
It so powerful. It drives you
crazy because it’s being inside you long time, knows you well and, it perfectly knows what it wants now.
So, in my case, it was like having a child in denial. My guts screaming: “Hold on one second,
what happened in here? Where is my discovery of the day? Where are my friends?
Where is the green countryside? Where the fuck I am now and how, again, did I
end up here?
It took more than one year to start being able to answer all
those questions.
It took months to start to believe who I was.
It took so much longer to stop craving for all that yummy, comfort food that fills the menus of a good pub in London. I was so desperate for the food that the only things I bought for myself -as a farewell present- were eight (eight!) cooking books and two beautiful, (UK designed and made) umbrellas to cheer me up in rainy days in Madrid. Nothing else.
I always say, I truly fall in love with places. Same way I
may fall in love with people. When it’s the right place for me, I feel
uplifted, light, happy, and full. Somehow, I feel calm and proud. In a way, it
belongs to me, as I belong to it, and that makes me feel proud of the place and
our connection. When I am in love with my surroundings, I don’t need much more.
Precisely, as when you are so rotten in love, you don’t need anyone else in
your life. Just that love. Well, I’ve been in love with two places, although I
must admit, I have crashed with a few more, light slings. But the two places I
fell for, with no parachute, were London and, a few years earlier, Siena.
I left London broken hearted, so close to tears, they
were easily pouring down my cheeks in most unexpected situations: horrible thai
food made me cry, realising September was round the corner and this time there
was no ticket back home for me too.
September is still very hard on me.
